Former EastEnders star Toby-Alexander Smith, who played serial killer Gray Atkins on the soap
between 2019 and 2022, has opened up about the struggles he faced as a new dad.
Using his own experience of becoming a father, Smith hopes to spotlight paternal mental health in his
upcoming film Finding Calm.
Speaking to The Mirror, Smith, who shares two-year-old daughter Bonnie with his wife Amy Walsh, said: “My journey into fatherhood had its wonderful times, but there were also struggles. There was a shift in my mental health. My emotions were heightened.
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“There was more joy, more sadness…everything got stretched. That was hard to navigate. The cacophony of noise, lack of sleep… you feel like you’re not good enough, like you’re failing as a father.”
Working with charities Maternal Mental Health Alliance, Future Men and PANDAS, Smith said he hopes his film, which tells the story of a first-time father who feels disconnected from his son, will help other struggling dads.
He said: “Men don’t talk enough. Fathers don’t talk enough. I didn’t have many mates who had been on the same journey so there was no one to say, ‘Yes, that is hard’. That’s genuinely all you need to hear. Of course you can love your baby but also, it’s bloody hard.”
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Describing his relationship with his daughter now, Smith, who stars alongside his wife and Emmerdale actor Amy in the film, said he has a wonderful relationship with Bonnie.
“It took time to develop as she didn’t need me so much at the beginning,” he said. “But I remember the shift to her becoming a daddy’s girl. All of a sudden she was toddling up to me and it felt like a pay-off. It’s the best.”
